FLIRTING VIOLENCE

Flirting violence is all of the behaviors exhibited by one individual in a romantic relationship to dominate, control, dominate and oppress the other or each other. Dating violence often starts insidiously. The reason i say this is that even people who face this situation in a relationship are unaware of the existence of dating violence. Of course, there may be reasons for this situation, such as characterizing flirting violence with other emotions like love, passion or the instinct to protect. It must be said that the structure of society, cultural codes, upbringing and personal characteristics are also effective.

Flirting violence can manifest itself in different dimensions and in different ways

Physical flirting violence

Intentional acts by one partner to harm the other's body. It is the easiest type to detect because it consists of physical situations. Although it usually starts with minor contact, it can escalate to very dangerous levels. Beating, pushing, hitting, slapping, throwing objects at someone, pulling a sharp object or a weapon...

Psychological flirting violence

Although it is the most common type of violence, it is also the most difficult to understand and accept. It is the behavior of the person you are with that damages your self-esteem and confidence, makes you feel fearful and worthless. The aim here is to keep the partner under control through constant criticism, belittling and humiliation. Emotional manipulation is often used. They exploit their partner's feelings and independence of judgment by making them believe that they are doing it for the good of the relationship and the victim. Calling their partner derogatory nicknames, interfering with what they wear, where they go, how they behave (you are my girlfriend now, you can't dress like that), threatening, swearing and insulting, trying to isolate them from their family or circle of friends, ignoring their individual thoughts and feelings and making decisions for them, threatening them (I will hurt myself if we break up)...

Sexual flirting violence

It is a type of violence in which the partner forces the individual to engage in sexual activity without the individual's request and consent, or forcibly obtains consent (refusing to accept the answer no and insisting until they say yes) and ignores their sexual boundaries. In short, it is ignoring the concept of consent. Trying to kiss or touch your partner without their consent, intimate rape, being shamed during sexual intercourse, not using birth control, taking unauthorized photos and videos during sexual activity, threatening to reveal them...

 Economic flirting violence

Actions taken to try to make a partner financially dependent on them, to restrict or prevent their access to money, and efforts to tip the balance of economic power in their favor. Preventing their partner from working, confiscating their income, putting them in debt, forcing them to sign promissory notes...

Stalking Persistent following

Constant stalking, either on social media or physically, while the relationship is still going on or has ended. The aim is to put pressure on the partner or ex-partner by making their presence felt, to instill fear and intimidation. Meeting them where they go, waiting in front of their house, sending them things, trying to get information from friends or family... Although it may be considered insignificant by some people, stalking is seen in 76 percent of femicide cases. It is definitely a type of stalking that needs attention and precautions.

Digital flirting violence

A type of violence that has emerged recently is trying to control one's partner using technological tools and threatening them through these tools. This type of violence is also often normalized within the relationship. Forcing to open a joint social media account, asking for social media passwords, snooping on phones or computers without permission, constantly texting and pressuring to return messages instantly, trying to control and restrict the content shared on social media...

How can flirting violence be prevented and what can be done in the face of flirting violence?

Since many people are not conscious about this issue, no matter how worthless they feel in the relationship, they still cannot name the violence against them. The normalization of some unpleasant situations in the understanding of the relationship in the geography we live in, the stereotypical perspective on the relationship (especially in patriarchal culture, the role of the woman is assigned more as a guided role, with the man holding the control and power in his hands) contribute to this situation. Therefore, it is extremely important to raise awareness about dating violence both individually and socially, and even to provide education about it in schools.

Following the signs is one of the most crucial points to prevent violence. These signs are: controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, the relationship moving too fast (using lovebombing as a manipulation method), isolation, outbursts of anger, constant criticism or insulting jokes...

After identifying and defining violence, it is very critical that the person does not look for the responsibility for the violence in themselves. Thinking that you deserve it or trying to minimize violence and saying that such things happen in everyone's relationships is not a solution to violence, but it should be remembered that no reason can justify any type of violence.

From this point on, the discomfort should be shared openly and transparently with the partner, and once a safe and equal relationship has been requested, does your partner take steps to build a non-violent relationship or cooperate with you for a safer and healthier relationship? If your partner does not see violence as a problem and is not taking any steps to address it, it may be worthwhile to reconsider continuing to be in that relationship. In the majority of cases of all forms of violence, it is reported that the dosage of violence continues to escalate unless the violence stops for good. Often victims of violence are convinced that it is only temporary. Victims who tend to forgive their violent partner by saying things like “he treats me well, he is not always angry like this, he actually loves me very much” are actually unknowingly entering a deeper cycle of violence. 

I would like to talk briefly about the cycle of violence. Not every relationship is the same, but there is a cycle that makes it difficult for victims to get out of it.

1- Tension phase: At this stage, the violent party begins to look for reasons for himself. It creates tension, tries to control, puts pressure on. A climate of unrest and fear prevails. The victim usually tries to calm down, take it from the bottom. Victims usually feel like they are walking on eggshells during this period, avoiding triggering the abuser's anger.

2-Violence phase: It is the stage when violent behavior occurs, anger explodes, control is lost. Violent behavior can be physical, psychological, and sexual. They vary in size, but they are destructive of all kinds. At this stage, the perpetrator of the violence can blame the person he is subjected to for the violent act. But an act of violence is a choice, if there is no reason, it does not justify it

3-Honeymoon phase: The perpetrator of violence conveys his/her regrets to the victim, does not take responsibility for his/her violent behavior, only apologizes and promises that it will not happen again and that he/she will change. He/she may try to minimize and trivialize the act of violence in the eyes of the victim with some manipulations and may pretend that it never happened. He/she may show exaggerated displays of affection in order to get the victim to forgive him/her, trying to give the impression that the victim can trust him/her again.

If the victim of violence wants to believe that this remorse is sincere and continues the relationship for reasons such as fear of loneliness, loss of self-confidence and self-worth that she/he has already experienced in an abusive relationship, or finding this ever-changing attitude in the wrong pairings such as being too much in love, too passionate, etc., then after this stage, the cycle of recurrent violence is entered by going back to the beginning.

 Recognizing the cycle of violence can help us make sense of what we experience in our own relationships. However, being aware of what we experience may not be enough to get out of the cycle. It is necessary to know how to get out of the relationship safely and where and how to get help. Generally, victims tend to hide it from their family or friends because they feel ashamed of what they have been through, but on the contrary, it is very important to understand that it is too heavy a burden to bear alone and that it is very important to get support from both acquaintances and professionals.

Organizations that can provide both legal and social support

Psychological counseling centers: Psychologists, therapists where you can get professional support

Women's organizations, shelters 

Social support lines: Alo 183 Kadın, Çocuk, Özürlü, Aile Danışma Hattı  Şiddet Önleme ve İzleme Merkezi (ŞÖNİM) - İstanbul 0212 465 21 96 – 97