JEALOUSY BETWEEN SIBLINGS

The fact that the mother is pregnant with another child is one of the situations that bring about sibling jealousy in the child. It occurs more often between the ages of about 3 and 8. The reason for this is that children in this period can analyze events with emotion guidance rather than logic.The concept of a new sibling means a threat to a young child. The child thinks that he/she will be less loved by his/her parents, their interest in him/her will decrease or disappear. They also believe that their toys will be taken by another person.

What Are the Main Factors Underlying Sibling Jealousy?

The concept of jealousy, which we encounter this concept as an extremely natural emotion, stems from the inability of a loved one to be shared with another and basically insecurity. This makes the child uncomfortable. The reason for this is a natural discomfort from the fact that the interest and attention towards him/her until then will be directed to his/her brother/sister. The fact that the sibling is born and the time given to him/her is limited may cause feelings of anger, resentment, etc. in the child, which are perceived as towards the baby but actually towards the parents. The child begins to feel abandoned, insecure, and unsupported.

The measure of jealousy between siblings is related to the tolerance for the birth of a new child and the change in parental attitudes, the established communication between the older child and the parents, and whether the child has a negative impact on the baby.

Another factor affecting the degree of jealousy is the age difference between siblings. The feeling of jealousy happens more in siblings with a low age difference than in siblings with a high age difference.

The environmental factor also plays an important role in jealousy. Other individuals or relatives in the environment may also cause some negative thoughts. Comparing children with each other, gifts for the newborn baby, making praises, and constantly taking care of him/her are among the approaches that have a negative effect. They can cause children to compete with each other and feel anger.

Some changes may also occur according to the gender factor; especially if families have gender preferences and show this, it is inevitable to experience jealousy according to gender.

Symptoms of Sibling Jealousy

It consists of a combination of complex emotions such as self-pity, sadness, fear of humiliation, boredom, anger, hatred and the desire to feel love, protection and closeness along with the thought of taking revenge. The most effective of these emotions are anger, self-pity and sadness.

While the child sees himself/herself as the center of love and attention at home until that day, he/she suddenly feels pushed to the second plan. The child now has to share the love and care of his/her parents and other relatives with his/her brother/sister. With the thought that he/she is not loved, he/she may completely get away from the mother, withdraw into himself/herself, start not eating or even lose weight.

They try to attract the attention of their parents by using nightmares trick or the arrival of their toilets as an excuse. With behaviors such as bed wetting, thumb sucking, etc., regression to previous developmental stages may occur.

They become very aggressive both during the day and at night. They have a tense appearance, have difficulty calming down, and may sometimes approach the people around them with anger. They can show aggression towards oneself or objects.

Along with the refusal to leave the home (for example, not wanting to go to school), psychosomatic reactions such as headache, nausea, etc. (physical examination should be performed to determine its accuracy), restlessness, reluctance and other signs of stress can often be observed.

The birth of a new sibling causes the child to experience contradictory emotions such as interest and protection, distress and jealousy. The thought that she will no longer be loved as she used to be may begin while the mother is still in pregnancy. Recently, when the mother is tired, reluctant and busy with the preparation of the new future sibling, it may cause the child to become grumpy and not want to leave the mother.

What Can Be Done to Prevent Sibling Jealousy:

It can be stated with a suitable language that a new member will join the family before the sibling is born, the environment at home may be more exciting and different than usual, for example, guests may come to the house frequently, the mother may be both tired and have to spend more time with the baby, and the reason for this is that a small baby has needs, but the same process is experienced when he/she is born and everything will be in order again in time. Thus, the child will feel more ready psychologically. It should not be waited until the last time to tell them.

First of all, you should relax, children are affected by the behavior of adults around them. If you are worried about how the older child will react to his/her sibling, this will be reflected in your child.

Do not use words that the child cannot embody. Although the sentence "Do not worry, we will love you as much as we love the baby" seems to be well-meaning, it causes the child to compete with the sibling for the love of his parents.

During pregnancy, his/her father or another family member (grandmother, grandmother) may try to feed, bathe and put him/her to sleep related to the care of the older child. Thus, when the mother is in the hospital or taking care of the baby, the child does not feel as if he/she is in the background and does not think that his/her life has changed.

Parents should make an effort to take care of both their children by dividing work among themselves. After the child's sibling is born, he/she needs to spend time with both parents in order not to feel isolated and excluded.

Your parents should make the child feel the message that your sibling is born, but there is no change for you, there is no decrease or change in our love for you, not only with words but also with their behavior. This is only possible by continuing to spare time for the child, communicating with him/her, participating in joint activities with him/her and giving him/her responsibility.

An effort should be made to spend quality time with the jealous child when possible, and he/she should be allowed to realize the habit he/she enjoyed doing before. Activities such as going to the playground they have previously realized with their new brother, reading stories after dinner, etc. should not be terminated suddenly. Thus, the child will not end his/her self-confidence by seeing that he/she has not lost his/her status.

Instead of showing too much love to the newborn sibling, it would be right to aim to share the love that is already there from the first moment. Immediately after showing love to the baby, trying to do the same love to the child in panic, making such attempts will cause the naturalness to be lost and the child will get the wrong idea that he/she is loved because he/she has to, etc.

Even the guests who come to the house only show the behavior of taking care of the baby and forgetting the older child. It will be beneficial to express that their relatives are not only interested in the baby, but also to show interest and love to the older child as they are used to, and to warn them about paying attention to what is being talked about the younger child when they are with the older child.

Instead of constantly calling the baby "baby", starting to say its name directly reminds the baby that it is a living being, not an object. Addressing the baby as "ours" rather than "mine" and shaping the child's life according to the baby with words such as "Be quiet, your sibling is asleep" will increase jealousy.

Trying to distance the child from the baby with excessive anxiety is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. On the contrary, they should be motivated to touch the baby, take on tasks in care and spend time with him/her in order to create a relationship between them.

Too much tolerance of the child so that he/she does not get jealous will make the situation worse. For example, the child who previously slept alone should not be allowed to sleep with his or her parents. Too much attention shown to the child so that he/she does not get jealous may cause his/her sibling to be jealous of him/her this time.

It should be explained in a clear language that it will not be allowed to harm the baby. If the child has harmed his sibling, he should be treated with the awareness that this seemingly very bad behavior is nothing more than a bit of hostile scrutiny, not to actually harm the baby. The important thing here is not to react too much, he warns without getting angry by reacting politely (otherwise he may continue this behavior to make him angry). Whether the child gets the message or not, it would be the right option not to leave the two siblings alone.

Support may be requested from the child in jobs related to the baby. For example, the older child can be supported in activities such as the baby giving his/her diaper while changing his/her diaper, the bottle getting cold, choosing toys or clothes, and fixing the baby's room.

Rather than rejecting and ignoring negative feelings towards the sibling, one should try to recognize them by accepting them and allow them to express negative feelings.

Avoid comparisons between siblings. However, it can be conveyed that the child that his/her child was once a small baby in the past and that the same care and attention was given to him/her. Showing shrunken clothes and baby photos, talking about the times when he/she was a baby and his/her cute behaviors can make him/her feel better.

It should not be said that there is an obligation to love her/his sibling. It should not go unnoticed that she/he is still a child, waiting for maturity above her/his age by saying "You are now your sister/brother".

Instead of showing that your love is equal, it would be right to make each child feel differently, that only he or she is shown special love.

Instead of trying to allocate equal time, it is necessary to allocate time to each child according to their own needs. It should be pointed out that the baby is too young to meet his/her own needs, so he/she needs more attention.

It may be beneficial to be able to separate the clothes that his/her brother/sister can wear and the toys that he/she can play with, but he/she should not have difficulty in what he/she does not want to give. Giving a favorite toy to his/her sibling can upset the child and trigger his/her jealousy.

The feeling that the family is a whole should make them understand by everyone. For this reason, activities that the whole family can do together, such as strolling, picnic, shopping, watching movies, etc. should be given the opportunity.

If the parents communicate with the child as much as possible, if they engage in joint activities together, if the child is given small responsibilities related to his/her sibling and the house, the child will still feel safer and still loved, and that he/she is a person who is cared for.

It is necessary not to be an arbitrator in children's fights. When parents are involved in children's discussions, each of the children thinks that their parents are on the side of the other. This situation leads to an increase in competition. The older sibling hates the younger sibling who can provide the protective support of the parents. No matter how much the parents try to be impartial, this does not benefit them, so the siblings must resolve their disagreements themselves. Except when there is physical violence, it is beneficial for parents not to intervene in solving the problem.

It is not necessary to ask who started the problem. Because trying to find out who started the incident causes children to blame each other. By drawing attention to the fact that each child has a share in the beginning of the fight, it is necessary to ensure that they bear the consequences jointly.

No matter how intense the jealousy and incompatibility between siblings are, they experience a feeling of longing much when they are separated from each other. This shows that even if you think that their relationship is sometimes very broken, they actually love each other very much.

 REFERENCES

·         (MEB, 2021). Guidance Service Brochure. Ornekkoyocalgirayilkokulu. In the text (MoNE, 2021, S,y.)