Five Love Languages

Something may go wrong in our relationships. We may have been told phrases like "I can't feel you love me" or we may think that way. We may not know how to show our love to them. Receiving a gift or saying nice words may not be enough.

Aug 28, 2023 - 10:20
Aug 31, 2023 - 13:34
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Five Love Languages
5 love languages

In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman talks about how we can make our relationships healthier, how we can understand each other better, and how we can understand our own and other people's love language.
Studies show that people are unhappy in their romantic and family relationships because they don't know the language of love. This is the reason why most marriages and relationships end. Your partner gives you gifts, but this may not be enough for you. You may want your partner to spend time with you more than a gift and to share quality time. While this may be sufficient for you, it may not be important for your partner. This shows that your love language is different.
According to Chapman, there are 5 Love Languages. These are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical contact. If you wish, let's talk about them briefly;
 

  • Words of Affirmation:  What we call words of affirmation are actually small compliments you say to your partner. For example;

“Your hair is beautiful today.”
“Thank you for supporting me.”
“Thank you for helping me with the meals, I was very tired.”
“These glasses look great on you.”
Your partner may be waiting for your support. Being appreciated, complimented, and thanked is more valuable to him than a gift from a loved one's approval.

  •  Quality Time: It is to spend time with your partner in a quality way. It's very important to him or her to listen and make eye contact, putting aside other chores completely. It's when you pay attention to each other by not paying attention to your phone.

When you come home in the evening, it is not just sitting at the table and eating without talking. Instead, you can talk about how the day went. It is very important that you share with each other. It doesn't mean being together for hours. It is actually doing activities that are quality, satisfying and you feel love.

  •  Receiving Gifts: “Gifts are visual symbols of love,” says Chapman in his book. For a person whose love language is a gift, a gift has sentimental value.

Something you see while visiting a store reminds you of your partner and you think that they will like it very much. Leaving a note to your partner when you leave the house in the morning, plucking a favorite flower and giving it as a surprise "I love you." It is more effective and romantic for you than saying.

  • Acts of Service: Helping the person you love, lightening the load, tidying the table, doing the laundry, or simply taking out the trash is a sign of love for you. You think about the person next to you.

By reducing the person's responsibilities, you allow him or her to spend time with you. Such as making tea while your loved one is working, spending hours in the kitchen to cook his favorite meals, ironing his clothes over and over to iron them perfectly…

  • Physical Touch: Touching and being touched is a sign of love for you. No matter what you do, it's not enough for you. But the moment you hug, you think you are expressing all your love.

Compliments or receiving gifts are not enough. But one touch can make you very happy. Instead of saying "I love you", a little kiss means the same thing to you.


The book exemplifies this by giving cases and that way it becomes more understandable. “I think there is a problem with me. None of my relationships work and I don't feel loved. People I'm with say I'm too cold." Before we say that, we actually need to find our love language. Maybe you didn't speak the same language with the person in your failed relationships. Maybe that person didn't know how to treat you.


You have learned your partner's love language. So how can you use this information for a healthy relationship now? For a healthy relationship, you need to treat the person you love with their love language. The person you love should treat you the same way with your love language. In this way, both of you stay in balance and feel loved on both sides.

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Beyza Sıla Keskin Ben Beyza Sıla Keskin. ODTÜ Psikolojik Danışmanlık ve Rehberlik mezunuyum. Alanımda kendimi geliştirmek ve geliştirirken deneyim kazanmak benim için çok önemli. Hayata psikoloji penceresinden bakmak bana çok şey kazandırıyor.