"You are right, we are the worst family in the world, we cannot behave properly, eventually we will run away from here, you will be all alone, then you will realise our value"Does this look familiar? Here are immature parents!

Oct 9, 2023 - 19:56
Oct 10, 2023 - 14:11
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The way we behave today stems from the way we lived in the past.



In 1974, Mary Ainsworth, Silvia Bell and Donelda Stayton conducted studies evaluating the mother's behaviours in terms of sensitivity-insensitivity, acceptance-rejection, cooperation-conflict, and availability-availability and relating them to the secure-insecure attachment behaviour of the infant. In the study, it was concluded that the degree of sensitivity of the mother was the main variable; the degree of acceptance, co-operation and accessibility of sensitive mothers was also high, while the degree of sensitivity of rejecting, conflicting and uncaring mothers was low. This led to the judgement that there were emotionally immature parents. To explain in more detail, emotionally immature parents can be explained as trying to maintain the environment they live in, albeit unintentionally, by attributing the unhappiness, distress and the intensity of emotion-state caused by childhood trauma to the child. For example, parents who were not provided with a speaking environment in their childhood, when they try to express themselves, it is seen as a great shame and reacted to, may cause them to refrain from expressing their feelings in their later life and they may try to make them feel the situation they feel without saying it. They may make their own child experience the same event without realising how they were treated. Like reincarnation, it can continue to increase over generations.  


There are four types of emotionally immature parents; emotional, ambitious, passive and rejecting 


Emotional parents can be childish. They cannot control their emotions, they can switch to all emotions and they may want their children to experience and realise this. Daily life in the family changes according to these moods and psychological disorders are located next to these changing moods and they may not like to be told about it and may escape. In order to prevent this from happening, children hold back and most likely do not express their opinions. As a result, they continue their lives as a child who submits to everyone. "What would I do without you, I don't want to live without you" is the best sentence to describe it.  

Ambitious parents care a lot about their children and strive for their future lives. They constantly control and intervene and want to have their own way, they are not interested in anything else. As a result, their children become depressed, unmotivated, caring about the opinions of others and dependent on others. "If you don't do this, you will never see us again, we want your well-being, do you know better than us." is the best sentence to describe it.  

Passive parents do not interfere in their children's lives, they do not draw a line to guide them, they want them to progress themselves. They are in the background, docile and more endearing than other types of parents. They are fun, they know how to enjoy themselves and they prioritise this enjoyment above everything else. They have no protective instinct, they are likely to abandon the family and let them down. Children of parents with this behaviour make excuses for abandonment and try to think that all the behaviour of the other person is well-intentioned. "If we give the child attention, he will be spoilt and then he will never take us as parents, that's the right thing to do." is the best sentence to describe this behaviour.  


Parents who are rejecting are strict. They have little sense of empathy. They manage the family according to their own wishes and tastes and control their lives. What they say is what happens. The rate of scolding and swearing is high in a situation they do not want. Children of parents with this behaviour think that they are a burden to everyone, they are annoying and intolerable. They are shy and have difficulty talking to other people. "You can't do anything, look what I put up with for you, look at what you do." is the best sentence to describe it.  




The children of emotionally immature parents, who have not grown up, feel the need to be around them all the time and their expectations last a lifetime because they cannot fulfil their emotional needs such as attention, care and being valued, thinking that they will surely get this one day. Even after their parents die, they talk to them in their minds and feel connected to them. We can say that the way of thinking of these emotionally immature parents is fixed and focussed on a single event. Their own thoughts are more important than anything else, and they don't even want to listen to thoughts that contradict them, which shows that they lack empathy. They may not care about anything around them and may be self-centred. Attention is very important for them, they are likely to love attracting attention. They can always keep the past in the front, constantly bring it to the agenda and create events. They enjoy being restless in a way. When we say why immature parents exist, what is the underlying reason for these behaviours, it is enough to look at the big picture. The result of these behaviours is to take part in the same behaviours. It is a kind of reincarnation. The unhappiness and troubles experienced lead to childhood trauma, and even if they do not want to, they reflect it to their children without realising it, and this phenomenon increases in each generation.  


REFERENCE: Adult Children of Immature Parents / Author: Lindsay C. Gibson, Translator: Dilek Boyraz, Publisher: Sola  

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Nur Özel Merhaba, ben Nur Özel. KTO KARATAY ÜNİVERSİTESİ psikoloji 2.sınıf öğrencisiyim. Okulumuz bünyesinde bulunan Psikolojik Etkileşim Topluluğu yönetim ekibinde yer almaktayım. Çeşitli etkinliklerde yer alıp, planlayıcı ve oluşturucu rollerim vardır. 1. sınıfın yaz döneminde Rehber Klinik bünyesinde staj yapıp, temel düzeyde BDT, MİNDFULNESS ve SPOR PSİKOLOJİSİ eğitimi aldım. Stajımın bitmesiyle Yücel Kültür Vakfı'nın mülakatlarını geçip, gönüllü olmaya hak kazandım ve etkinlik üreticisi olarak görev yapıyorum. Kendimi, ekip ve takım çalışması dışında başka alanlarda geliştirmek adına, Sayedra Psikoloji Blog'da, İngilizce-Türkçe olarak psikoloji alanında makaleler yayınlanmaktayım. Bunların yanında Psikoform Akademi'de üniversite temsilcisi olarak eğitim hayatımı dolu dolu geçirmekteyim.