FORMS OF FORGIVENESS: WHY DO WE FORGIVE?
Throughout our lives, we experience various events, situations, and people. These can sometimes leave us with lovely memories, and at other times, unforgettable black memories. That black memories can have different effects on everyone. Some of us can effortlessly forget and continue with our lives, while others find it hard to forget and develop a sense of vengeance. The events, situations, or people we can't forgive can be like a burden on us. This burden can be harmful to both the individual and the people around them. If a person succeeds in forgiving and letting go of this burden in their life, they will find inner peace.
According to Hall and Fincham (2005), forgiveness is defined as removing oneself from the unforgivable situation and facing one's own mistake, reducing the desire for revenge, and increasing the desire to help oneself (Güven and Erdem, 2020). Forgiveness is a different concept from reconciliation. Worthington and Drinkard (2000) defined reconciliation as "showing behaviours that build mutual trust and re-establishing a bond of trust" (Aydın, 2017). Reconciliation, talking to the person, or rebuilding a safe relationship with them is not a necessity for forgiving. A person can internally forgive and still remove this burden. For example, we can forgive a person but still want that person to be punished. This both unchains the burden of not forgiving and provides justice.
A concept often confused with forgiveness is the concept of forgetting. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. Forgetting often happens unconsciously, while forgiveness is a conscious act of adding positive values to a past event (Enright, Freedman, and Rique, 1998, as cited in Aydın, 2017). The people we forgive may occasionally come to mind, the wounds we've covered may sometimes get wounded, and that muddy water may become cloudy again. The important thing in forgiveness is not feeling the same anger and resentment towards them, not blaming oneself for the events, and not harbouring feelings of revenge.
In addition to forgiving others and forgiving situations/events, there is another aspect called "self-forgiveness." In self-forgiveness, a person blames themselves for an event. Self-forgiveness is more of an internal process. Self-forgiveness is not about ignoring one's mistakes; it's about accepting one's mistake and taking responsibility for it (Taysi, 2007, as cited in Güven and Erdem, 2020).
Letting go of emotions like hostility, anger, fear, and revenge can bring inner peace to individuals and contribute significantly to their psychological strength. When a person moves away from the constant mental battles, they feel free. Another effect of forgiveness is an increase in self-respect and a decrease in depression (Bugay and Demir, 2012). In a study by Gökmen and Deniz (2020) involving 204 people on forgiveness and trauma, it was found that as forgiveness scores increased, post-traumatic growth scores also increased. This means that as individuals forgive, they gradually erase the traces of their traumas and become stronger individuals after these traumas. In a study by Ayten and Gashi (2012) on life satisfaction and forgiveness, it was found that forgiveness has a positive impact on life satisfaction. Çetinkaya (2015) conducted research that found a positive and significant relationship between subjective well-being levels and forgiveness. In other words, the more forgiveness increases, the more a person's subjective well-being increases. In a study by Karataş and Uzun (2021), it was found that self-compassion predicts forgiveness.
To achieve inner peace, silence the voices in one's head, increase self-esteem and life satisfaction, protect against depression, maintain subjective well-being and self-compassion, and relieve oneself of feelings of revenge and hatred, one should forgive. If an individual finds it challenging to do it alone, they can seek psychological support.
REFERENCES
Aydın, F. T. (2017). Pozitif bir karakter gücü olarak affedicilik. The Journal of Happiness & Well-Being, 5(1), 1-22. Ayten, A. & Gashi, F. (2012). AFFETME VE HAYAT MEMNUNİYETİ ÜZERİNE KARŞILAŞTIRMALI BİR ARAŞTIRMA . Balkan Araştırmaları Dergisi , 3 (2) , 11-36 . Retrieved from https://dergipark.org.tr/en/pub/bad1/issue/29474/316081
BUGAY A., DEMİR A. (2012). Affetme arttırılabilinir mi? : Affetmeyi geliştirme grubu. Türk Psikolojik danışma ve Rehberlik Dergisi 4(37), 96-100.
Gökmen, G. & Deniz, M. E. (2020). TRAVMA SONRASI BÜYÜMENİN YORDAYICILARI OLARAK ÖZ-ANLAYIŞ VE AFFETME . Uluslararası Türk Kültür Coğrafyasında Sosyal Bilimler Dergisi , 5 (2) , 72-93 . Retrieved from https://dergipark.org.tr/en/pub/turksosbilder/issue/59442/837790
Güven, N. ve Erdem, T. (2020). Affetme: Kuramsal bir değerlendirme. Uluslararası Dil, Eğitim ve Sosyal Bilimlerde Güncel Yaklaşımlar Dergisi (CALESS), 2(2), 578-607.
Karataş, Z. & Uzun, K. (2021). ERGENLERİN KENDİLERİNİ, BAŞKALARINI VE DURUMLARI AFFETME EĞİLİMLERİNİN YORDANMASINDA MÜKEMMELİYETÇİLİK, YALNIZLIK VE ÖZ-ŞEFKATİN ETKİSİ . Mehmet Akif Ersoy Üniversitesi Eğitim Fakültesi Dergisi , - (58) , 248-289 . Retrieved from https://dergipark.org.tr/en/pub/maeuefd/issue/61832/877884
Yaşar, K. (2015). Eğitim fakültesi öğrencilerinin öznel iyi oluş düzeyleri ile psikolojik sağlamlık ve affetme düzeyleri arasındaki ilişki (Doctoral dissertation, Bursa Uludag University (Turkey)).
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